kits

星期六晚上，我終於跟他見到面了。

到達捷運站時，一時沒看到他，還差點找錯人，後來才發現他站在角落等我，跟記憶中一樣帥氣，只是戴了眼鏡換了髮型，熟悉中帶著陌生。

一如往常般，他給了我個見面的擁抱。我從星期四接到他ｅｍａｉｌ說回到台北但是聯絡電話都不見了，回給他手機號碼等到昨晚他打來祝我生日快樂並約好隔天見面後，懸掛在半空的心跟恍惚許久的精神終於定了下來。光是這幾天的等待與期盼，就讓我抽掉了一整個禮拜份的菸。

我在計程車上其實隱隱帶些緊張，畢竟上次見面已經是三年多前，但是十年的交情，兩人一開口就恢復原本的自然與自在。到了咖啡廳，點完東西後我劈頭罵他，這幾年幹嘛搞神秘搞失蹤。原來他這幾年再日本不是很意氣風發，所以不想面對老友的關心詢問，才選擇躲避。聽說他其實每年都有回台灣，我狠狠瞪他一眼。

他問說：老公呢？天啊，居然沒看到我之前寫的信？害我還要尷尬的再解釋一次當時的temporary insanity。你呢？．．．我剛交一個新的女朋友。強忍住心中閃過的失落，強顏歡笑的祝福他。兩人互相交代過這幾年的近況後，我決定今天一定要把藏在心中多年的話一次講清楚。

Wendy's response to R (in her head):

I agree, that's a totally lame excuse, it ranks up there with "I love you so I have to leave you" as the world's lamest excuses, and you have been an absolutely rotten friend. Aside from my private feelings for you, I've always considered you a good friend. Has it never occurred to you that I won't be worried that you're dead or hurt when there's been no news from you for months or even a year at a time? I could sense that you wanted to keep your space, for whatever fucking reason, so I tried to respect that and only dropped a line or two every half year or so, just to reassure myself that you are still in this world. I mean, even if you were married with 3 kids, I'd have liked to know and been able to give you my congratulations.

When I got your latest message, I was just thinking about how I should compose my reply to you. I have to admit, I was more happy than I should be (but I'm not in my right mind lately and have been behaving totally out of character). One of the things I liked best about you was your absolute honesty and total open-mindedness. Since we are now in a sentimental and sharing mood, let's make a deal: I'll forgive you if you'll do the same for me. I meant every word I wrote in my last message, and even though the feelings have faded with time, you will always have a very special place in my heart (more then you deserve!).

Ok, this is very painful for me but I want to be honest so don't kill me! I was pissed that you didn't answer my first message, so (here I plead temporary insanity or alien brainwashing and/or mad-cow disease...) I did what I knew would get a response from you... Anyway, it was totally embarassing and I didn't know how to take my words back... I honestly thought "OK this is the end of it" so what the hell, since I was too mortified to ever face you again, I might as well go ahead and tell you what I always lacked the courage to say. I really didn't expect to hear back from you, and I was so embarassed I couldn't make myself read what you wrote. >__
Anyway, after all the nice things I said about you, would you consider not killing me???